A Note From Pastor Dave

Grace and peace to each of you in the name of our blessed Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! Some of you know me and some of you have stumbled on this website by accident . . . . (we like to refer to it as providence that led you here!) I want to speak to you about a word most people have no clue about . . . . . DEPRESSION.

Depression is defined by Webster as:

"a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies."  

I want to share my journey and testimony with you. I will update this on a regular basis and finish the story I have started here each week.  In the meantime . . . feel free to look over the website . . it is a work in progress.

You may want to listen to some of the sermons on my sermon's page. My advice is to start with the first one and work your way down. May God bless and keep you all!

Updated Story:  July 4, 2009

Chapter 1

In the fall of 2007 I began a journey that would last until February 8, 2009. I went into a state of severe clinical depression. I had 3 doctors working with me at this time and all three diagnosed me with the exact same condition. I had no idea what had hit me! All I knew was that for most of the near year and a half that I felt extreme pain, anxiety, and a total sense of hopelessness . . . and it was 24/7. No one understood it at first . . . not me, not my wife  . . . and especially not my church family. They all thought I was playing some sort of game and was simply going through a mid life crisis. How wrong they were!

June 23, 2009

Chapter 2 

My depression first started to show in the form of anxiety. This was in the late fall of 2007. There were times that right in the middle of an activity or even resting that I would feel all jittery, anxious and nervous. My heart would start to race and I felt as if something had me by the throat. I would begin to pray and it would eventually subside. It then got increasingly hard for me to be around other people. I found myself isolating myself from others and just wanting to be alone. It wasn't that I disliked anyone or was angry at them. . . I just wanted to be left alone. This was totally out of character for me. Being a pastor, at that time, for 12 years, I was was very much a people person. Like my dad, I didn't know a stranger. I could talk to anyone of any age and relate . . . and honestly loved it!

At Christmas time of that year it had really started to kick in. I remember sitting in my easy chair with all my family there. My three boys were there with my grandkids sitting at my feet and playing. A picture perfect moment, until . . . . this anxiety attack hit me so hard that I got up from my easy chair, and without a word, went to my car and drove away. I drove for awhile before ending up in the parking lot of Walmart and didn't return home until 3:00 the next morning. As the anxiety attacks became more frequent and more severe, I began to be extremely discouraged and depressed. And I didn't know why! I had everything to live for! A beautiful and loving wife . . . a church family I loved and cared for very much . . . 3 great boys I was proud of . . . 4 beautiful grandchildren I adored . . . a successful teaching career of 27 years at that time . . . and to top it all off, God had allowed me to fulfill His will for my life up until that time - the opportunity to be used of Him in leading many souls to Christ!

I began to experience pain I didn't know a person could ever go through. I began to ache and hurt inside and didn't know why. It was the same sort of pain I experienced on January 13, 2003, the day they called me out of a workshop at school and informed me that my mom had been killed instantly in an automobile accident. Only this pain would not go away. It built and built until I was absolutely miserable. It was now occuring every day . . . all day. I began to isolate myself more and more. I would go for long drives for extended periods of time and turn the music up as loud as I could stand it in order to try and drown out the feelings I was having. I began sleeping in shopping center parking lots . . . particularly Walmart and Walgreens. I also began to withdraw from the people I loved the most.  

June 25, 2009

Chapter 3

I knew my behavior was not right. I knew that "normal" people didn't leave and sleep in parking lots and end up being gone for hours and hours alone and away from friends and family. I knew something was wrong, but really didn't know what it was. So, I began to blame those around me. I become more withdrawn, angry, and sullen. I figured somehow the pain I felt must have been caused by everyone else. Then I did something I hadn't done in over 20 years . . I began to drink. Just alittle at a time. But over the months it became more and more. I have since come to realize it is what doctors call self-medicating. A person who is in depression begins many times to drink or take drugs in order to blunt the pain that they are experiencing.

In February of 2008, I went to see my family physician. I explained what was going on with me and he immediately recognized the signs and symptoms of depression. He put me on an anti-depressant, but it didn't even phase me. I believe, and my wife agrees, that it actually made me feel worse. My behavior was becoming more and more erratic and I would go into fits of anger at the smallest thing, always perceiving someone was against me or after me.

In March of 2008, my wife, Linda, came to me and told me that she didn't know how our marriage would survive if I did not get some sort of help. In my pain I believed she was wanting a divorce. That she wanted rid of me. I know now this wasn't true. She was simply desperate to get help for me and realized that at some point it would destroy our marriage if I didn't get help. I was falling fast. My pain continued. I tried to talk to different individuals, especially some of the men at my church, but they really didn't understand what was happening to me. They knew something was wrong, but none of them had any idea what depression was. They were as helpless as I was at this "monster" that was tearing me down. A person doesn't really understand it until they themselves have experienced it. Like any other situation you go through, if someone has gone through it, they can feel your pain and know it is real. I have since found out that some of them even believed I was going through a "mid-life" crisis or even worse, making it all up and playing some sort of game. I don't blame them now for not understanding. I would have had a hard time myself believing it had I not been the person experiencing it.

Linda set up a doctors appointment for me in March of 2008 with a Christian pyschiatrist. I went and for the next several months actually began to meet on a regular basis with two different ones. At first they did a complete mental health evaluation of me and the results came back very pointed and strong . . . I was suffering from a mental illness . . . I had severe clinical depression. Not only was I diagnosed with depression, but they also found I had Attention Deficit Disorder and was Bi-Polar!

WOW! Now I was really depressed! But, how? . . . .  and why? They immediately saw a plan of recovery for me, but I felt totally abandoned by God. How could God let this happen to me? I reasoned that I had been a faithful servant for years! How could God let this happen at a time when the church was growing, souls were being saved, lives being restored? So I began to ask the age old question . . . . why me, God? Then I began to get angry at God for what I perceived to be failure on His part to heal me and not allow me to have my life back. I felt He had stolen from me and then abandoned me. How wrong I was . . . .

 June 26, 2009

 Chapter 4

What caused all this to begin with? First of all, I was working two full time jobs. I had already been teaching school for 15 years when we started the church. Not only was I teaching at that time, but I was the varsity basketball coach at the local high school. Then when we started the church in November of 1995 we had no idea that the tiny congregation of 9 members meeting in a little community center would grow so quickly. Within 4 years we had purchased 10 acres of land with cash and built a beautiful sanctuary/muti-purpose building on it. Then we had to build again the following year in order to extend our opportunities for discipleship through Sunday School and childrens ministries.

Along with all the growth came an increasing amount of responsibility as a pastor to meet the needs of a growing congregation. As I began to pray about what God wanted me to do, I felt Him leading me to give up my position as head coach to be able to spend more time with ministry needs. It was a heart rending decision at that time, since I was in the middle of building a program that I had started two years earlier and was comitted to. Any coach who has a heart for his players and the program he is building, grows strong bonds with his players that extend for years to come and even a lifetime. It was no different for me, thus making it a heart rending announcement for all of us. As time went on, we began to hire more staff positions to lighten the load and meet ministry needs. All this was wonderful and God was teaching me how to train up young leaders and release them to do ministry. Then the second thing happened . . . . .  

It was just an innocent thing, but it kick started my depression . . . In the fall of 2007 I started taking blood pressure medicine. One of the side effects of certain blood pressure medicines is that it causes depression in approximately 80% of patients who start taking it. This can range from very light and brief to extremely severe. I learned this only after my physician informed me after diagnosing me initially with my depression. Not knowing it, I was already mentally and physically exhausted from years of working 2 full time jobs. Now all I needed was a catalyst to put me over the edge . . . . and over the edge it did!

Then if that were not enough, in January of 2008 I had a blood test done to get me ready for a colonoscopy. I have this done at least every other year since 2003 when they found and removed cancerous polyps in my colon. What they found scared them to the point of trasnporting me immediately to Tampa Medical Center via ambulance in order to save my life . . . . This episode sent me on a 3 month journey of even deeper mental anguish and depression than I had known before. . . . . .

June 30, 2009

Chapter 5

In January of 2008, I went in for my blood test. This was to be a simple procedure. I've done it many times before. I received a call a few days later saying I needed to go in again to have my blood drawn. There was something wrong with the first test because my INR number was way to high. There must be something wrong with that first test. The INR number measures how thick or thin your blood is. They said the first test was impossible, because the test showed my blood to be so thin that I shouldn't even be alive, so they needed another test.

I went in and had more blood drawn. I remember exactly where I was a few days later when I received a frantic call from the emergency room. I was standing in my classroom at the Freshman Campus where I had taught 9th graders for the last 10 years. It was a teacher's workday, so no students were there that day. A call from the hospital was transfered to my room via the main office. The nurse on the other end called and said I needed to drop everything I was doing and come in immediately to the hospital emergency room. My blood test showed I needed immediate care. For some reason I remained calm and really didn't see the big deal. So I took my time getting my room ready for the next time I was to be in schoool when I received another call, only this time from Doctor Mavroides, my family physician, telling me I needed to come in immediately.

So I  informed the office I was leaving to go to the hospital and then proceeded to go home. I went home in order to shower and shave, not knowing how long I might be at the hospital. I figured maybe a couple of hours or so and I wanted to be clean and presentable! I went home and showered and was then standing in front of the sink shaving when I received another call on my cell phone. It was another nurse asking me where I was and what I was doing at that moment. I told her I would be there shortly, that I was shaving. She literally screamed over the phone in panic and told me NOT to shave anymore. She said if I were to cut myself even slightly I could bleed to death on the spot! It still didn't register with me what the big deal was! I said I would be there shortly, hung up with her, and then calmly finished shaving! I packed a small overnight bag and then went to the hospital.

When I walked into the emergency room they were already waiting for me. They bypassed all the paperwork stuff and proceeded to put me in a room. So you see, they can wait to do the paperwork if they really want to! Then the doctor came in along with a specialist and nurses and proceeded to tell me that my blood was so thin that even the slightest bump , bruise, or cut could cause me to bleed to death. After several tests they found I lacked Factor 7, a vital clotting factor in the blood. Without it a person can literally bleed to death in a matter of minutes. They didn't understand why I was even still alive. Then I started to worry.

They then made arrangements for me to be transported to Tampa General by ambulance, since they had the experience of treating people with blood disorders. They gave specific instructions to the paramedics to get me there as quickly as possible, but not to jostle or cause me to be bumped in any way, fearing I could bleed to death on the spot. It took 3 long hours to get there. In the meantime they had given me a shot of vitamin K to try and thicken my blood temporarily. I arrived in Tampa sometime after midnight and was immediately given a room in ICU. They began taking blood from me through the IV that had already been placed in my arm and kept me up for the next couple of hours checking on me and taking more blood samples. Around 3:00 a.m. a doctor came in and informed me that they were releasing me. He said my INR number was still high, but not high enough to keep me and do more tests. Evidently, the shot of vitamin K caused my blood to test within a high normal range for a short period of time. He then told me they needed my bed and to be out in 15 minutes. I asked if I could stay and rest somewhere, that I had been transported by ambulance from Okeechobee and knew no one there. No family or friends were in the area. He said no. It was 3:15 a.m. and he wanted me out by 3:30 a.m. He said I could stay in the lobby like everyone else till I could get a ride home.

 Wow! What a night! I was already fighting severe depression and now I go from dying at any moment to being kicked out of my hospital bed and room at 3:30 in the morning, in a large city, where I knew absolutely nobody! After spending the rest of that morning in the lobby, Linda and a couple of friends finally showed up around 10:00 to take me home. Linda was not allowed to go to Tampa with me in the ambulance and I had persuaded her not to drive over by herself that night, but to just wait and come with friends later the next morning. I was never so glad to see someone than when she showed up!

This event started a several month ride of hospital visits, doctor's appointments, and ongoing blood tests to determine what was going on with me. I remember one three week period of time in which I had blood drawn at least twice a day, and sometimes three. I started feeling like a pin cushion! At one point they tried a plasma drip. What a painful experience! They had to sedate me in order to get me through it! I finally was connected to one of the most renowned blood specialist in the U.S. After many more tests, and consultation with some of the leading blood disorder doctors in the United States, a diagnoses was finally made and confirmed in March of 2008. I had an extremely rare blood disorder.

 Less than 500 people in the world have this same disorder. It can range from light to severe. My case was even more rare because it usually manifests itself at the median age of seven. I was missing Factor 7 from my blood. Not a Factor 7 Deficiency . . . . . . NO Factor 7 at all! This is the protein in the body that causes your blood to clot so as not to bleed to death when bruised or cut. Without it a person cannot live. But I was alive! How? Somehow, my body had produced something in its place that the doctors cannot explain. That is why there are only about 500 of us in the world like this. Extremely rare! The only question now was . . . how stable was this "new" replacement that my body had produced. I was informed that I would live the rest of my life with the fact that if this "new" replacement factor my body had produced would ever break down, I could be dead in a few short minutes. . . . . I could start bleeding at any moment out of the pores of my skin, my eyes, ears, nose, everywhere, because my blood would be like water. Wow! What a revelation to live with! And all this on top of an already severely depressed man! All this trauma just seemed to plunge me deeper into the black hole of depression . . . . . .

July 4, 2009

Visit the "Sermons" page to access the Sermon archives. 

                                                   

Jesus replied,

"The most important commandment is this: 'Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart,  all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength."

The second is equally important: " Love your neighbor as yourself. No other commandment is greater than these."

You cannot stay angry with your people forever, because you delight in showing mercy."

Micah 7:18 (NLT)